I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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