in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Did I show you my penis last night?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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