Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
