A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
