Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
