Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
