I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
