my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
