My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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