Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize