Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
