i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
