if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
