Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
