I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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