Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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