I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
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