You can't motorboat a personality
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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