I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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