Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
