The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
