Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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