You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
