There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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