Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
