My balls are so social today.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
