so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm passing your future prison.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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