my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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