Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
