Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
