Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
