Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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