Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
