If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
