You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
