the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
