Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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