I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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