ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
