do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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