just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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