When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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