mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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