i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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