yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
