hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
