as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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