Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
this beer tastes like vomit already
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
