he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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