You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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