so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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