he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
