I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
