Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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