remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
