Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
