I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
