Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
