In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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