i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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