Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
The maid of honor just puked.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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