Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
