just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
