she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
