once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
