from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he quoted the bible to break up with me
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize